Sexual drought. Why has sexual connection decreased?
Do you remember the first weeks, months, or years with your partner? Those times when you couldn't take your hands off each other. Times in which they took advantage of every moment to tear off their clothes, explore the body and reach the joint ecstasy in whatever way they could. Slowly, this start disappearing. Suddenly, sex becomes very sporadic, possibly routine, or even disappears over time. The sexual drought has come and you don't know how or why it happened.
They are not the only ones. “According to the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which had the participation of 34,000 people between 16 and 44 years, there has been a drop in the frequency of sexual activity between 2001 and 2012. Those over 25 years and married couples or couples who live together have the least sex. ”
We can attribute this to age or cultural narratives. But in reality the causes are deeper, and we will go into detail into them. According to sexologists, the primary and most common cause is the lack of connection in the couple. This may be due to an argument or fight, having no closure, a deception that led to loss of confidence, or decreased quality time with your partner. A determining factor in modern life is the use of technology. It is known that the greater the use of cell phones, the less intimacy between couples. "Having no technology, many couples used to have more communication and moments of talking, skin to skin" (Marina Castro, sexologist). So moving the phone aside and focusing your attention on your loved one can improve the situation from the outset, especially if both make it a habit after a certain time of day.
Another reason is the saturation of activities such as work, the occupation of caring for children, or other worries at home or external pressures.
The lack of sexual self-esteem is a big turn off. If you do not feel good in your body, this generates a negative attitude towards sexual intercourse. On the other hand, having a negative view of sex, due to a partner who has criticized you in bed, or some traumatic event in childhood, can clearly influence libido, and create an aberration or fear of sexual encounter.
Another very common root is performance anxiety, which generates stress when having sex, making it a job instead of a delightful pleasure. The person wants to do their best to please the other person and therefore ceases to enjoy themselves, and is less interested and less sexually connected with their partner.
Finally, and much less common, it is due to a mental injury, which is very rare in the population.
It is of vital importance to understand that the levels of libido have their fluctuations, for example with the menstrual cycle of women, or in men depending on their physical health or life moments libido can either increase or decrease.
Creating an expectation of what sex should be could make the access to pleasure even more difficult. One may have less spontaneous desire or libido than the other, or may require the other person to awaken their passion. This can create a feeling of "I'm not attracted to you," even if they think everything is fine.
It is very important not to compare yourself with other people. If your mind is set on what others do, for example: "they have twice as much sex as us" , this can make your body shut down. Remember that there is no definitive amount of healthy sex, but rather that each person starts to notice when they are satisfied, always engaging in a conversation that supports the other person to feel attractive, desired, and comfortable in their body.
A recommendation to establish healthy communication, especially if you are not used to talking about sex, is to always speak from the "me" in a positive perspective, "I really like it when you do this", "I really enjoyed every time you told me that". At the same time, talking about the situation as such, not about your partner "we haven't had sex in a while" instead of "you didn't want to have sex with me".
The second recommendation, possibly the most challenging but most valuable, is to listen to your partner. It may be uncomfortable to listen to what is external, but pay attention, without judgment, trying to understand how you feel about it. Make the best effort to put yourself in their shoes, understand what they are experiencing, their difficulties, possible trauma, anxieties, or desires.
Regaining an active sex life after a drought can be a daunting task. In therapy, what is suggested is first to get sex out of the way. In other words, daring to say "we will not have sex", which takes the pressure off performance and can focus more on generating pleasure through other forms, such as a massage, a romantic date, or simply holding hands and spending more time together will open a doorway instead of dealing with the pressure of performing in sex. This helps to regenerate sensuality.
Slowly, and as long as you both feel very, very comfortable, you can go reintroduce some time for sex, such as lengthening kisses, running his body with your lips or tongue, until finally reaching sexual fingering or oral sex, without having to reach penetration.
The most important thing is that both of you feel completely confident, without any pressure, and enjoying to the fullest. At all times keep an open dialogue, and honest communication with real listening. If someone is uncomfortable or they are moving too fast, respect their perspective, and go back to basics.
This process could take days or weeks, even longer, depending on the couple's situation. Do not be afraid to go to sex therapy, read a book or take a course, on the contrary, it could be very supportive on moving forward. 94% of sex therapy patients are said to go through that drought. And if the problem lies in the relationship as it is and not in sex, then couples therapy could be the answer. It could be complex to express it, but the benefit will always be greater.
No matter how long it takes, you enjoy the journey, and thus destiny will simply be a celebration of the great joy that was walking the path of growth and mutual pleasure with your beloved.